It’s funny how you can just be living an average life and just wake up one day and just think of someone from your past and wonder what the hell happened. I’ve lost so many people who were close to me, I’ve lost every best friend I ever had until the ones I have now. And I lost a person in my life who changed the way my whole life would’ve been. I hate him and thank god for him simultaneously everyday. He never could tell me exactly how he felt about me but I knew with the little moments that he gave me that he truly did. I always think what if he hadn’t been so emotionally unavailable would we have still fell in love? Would we have stayed together? Would he have still had interest in me for five years? People seemed to come and go in my life but he was always the person I could count on to walk back into my life. I never knew when or why but I always knew he would come back, and that was the reason I held on for so long. He stole my heart and fourteen and didn’t release it until I was nineteen. Things came and went and sometimes months passed and significant others came and went but we always came back to each other and as angry as I was every time he left and as on guard as I was everytime he came back and tried to win me over and apologize, I always forgave him because I loved him too much not to. We had this sick hold on each other and even though I know he’ll never admit that to me, we did. My friends hated him and hated me even more for going back to the toxic relationship where I was never declared a girlfriend again after the initial breakup. They would make fun of me and him and tell me to get the hell over it, but I couldn’t. I battled most of my feelings alone and it was so hard, but I became so strong because of it. Each time he left it hurt more and more but each time I became stronger, thinking I could handle the next time I got that outcome when I couldn’t. He never gave me a time where he opened up and told me how much he cared but he’s actions rained so loud because of that fact. I remember when we were first actually dating, he missed seeing me so much over the weekend that he came to my window in the middle of the night knocking. I remember how excited an happy I was to see him and all his friends were with him saying “he wouldn’t shut up about you and said he had to stop and see you” This is where my infatuation started, a man who makes his friends drive to my house in the middle of the night just to see me, how lucky am I? There weren’t many of these moments but when I did get them it helped me forget the bad things he had done. Like when he invited me to a pool at a house he was watching in the middle of the night and swam with me and just held me in the water, the closeness of him itself was enough to know how he felt. But the most closeness I ever felt from him was the last day I ever saw him in a romantic setting, he was seeing another girl and myself and everyone was aware of this fact. On this day I didn’t even want to see him and I drove by his job on the way home from mine and he called and said please come here I told him I had things to do but he insisted, so I went. I sat outside with him for almost an hour. I could tell in his eyes that he knew he had to make a choice between her and I. He sat with me and in the best way he could without actually saying it, told me cared for me. He kissed me and made small talk and told me all the things I wanted to hear, like that he kept the superman pillow I had bought him for his birthday when we first started dating that I downed with my vanilla perfume(his favorite scent) and that his ex who lived with told him to throw it away but he refused and still smells it every night before he goes to sleep. To most people that isn’t something that would show them that someone loved them but to me it was everything. He promised to hangout since I had some days off and told me wanted to see me all the time and I was leaving he wouldn’t stop kissing me. And the girl who wasn’t going to stop and who was fed up left feeling loved and hopeful. But when he made his final decision, I wasn’t the one he chose. He chose her. The new girl. The young one. Probably with the thought that if things didn’t work out with her that he always had me to come back to. Little did he know that all that I needed was for him to open that window to her and I jumped out. And before I had time to think it completely through I found a new boyfriend, who took shattered me put the pieces together and made me happy. When I first started dating my boyfriend, HE would post statuses on fb trying to out due how long our relationship was compared to his since his was two months longer. But then about 9 months in, she saw his games and broke up with him. To this day he is still alone because his fallback girl (me) is gone. I know in my heart that he knows that he picked the wrong girl and I thank god he picked her everyday because without that I couldn’t never met my still boyfriend and love of my life. I worry for him, I pray for him, I love him, and I miss him. And there’s so much of me that wants to sit down with him and ask him why and get him to really tell me his feelings, but I don’t think that would be good for either of us. I know he still thinks about me, and I still think about him. And I will always be grateful for the love he was able to give me as best as he could and thank him for the hard times that made me the strongest version of me that I could be.